Scuba Steven, M.D.

Steve plays dumb most of the time, but this dog is incredibly smart.  He knows what I mean when I talk to him.  I've noticed him staring at me and when I turn to look at him, he raises his head and lifts his ears, observing my every move.  Trevor does this too, but Steve does it most often.  He is a pretty good judge of character in people.   He has definitely protected me in many situations.  Steve protected me from my creepy ass neighbor.  The man walked up to us and Steve dropped to the ground and started growling.  When we walk to the park and strangers approach us, Steve walks closer to me.  It's as if he's saying 'stay behind me, Mom.  I'll check them out and make sure they're safe for ya.'  I love this dog and I'm going to do everything in my power to ensure his happiness.  He has protected me for almost 2 years and I'm going to protect him for the rest of his life. :)


~Nancy Drew

Steve loves Brittanney

Steve missed Brittanney so much that decided to be her lap dog.  I'll have to admit, I got a little jealous.  But it was very sweet watching Steve get up on Brittanney's lap while she was relaxing in the recliner after work.  I know he would miss her if she was gone for more than a day... and so would I.

~Nancy Drew

Adorable late night zoo party

Brittanney and I couldn't sleep one night so we made a video of us playing with the kittens. The dogs were so wound up and playful. Trevor is the only one who didn't play with us. He hates the cats.... because they try to nurse on him. :)

~Nancy Drew

Steve at the park

 

Steve shaking it off at the park.

 Steve sitting for Auntie Rachel.

 Steve was trying to give Auntie Rachel a kiss.  She didn't like it.

 Look at this gorgeous boy!

 Steve wanted to sit on the bench next to Auntie Rachel. :)

 Steve and Mommy in the park.

 Steve and Mommy playing tug of war with the leash in the park.

 Steve sitting for Mommy.

Steve shaking hands with Mommy.

Steve and I met Auntie Rachel at the park today.  He took a massive poop in the grass right as Rachel pulled up.  It was lovely... but Steve was a good boy and played really well.

~Nancy Drew

The dogs took over my bed

Last night, Steve decided to sleep long ways across my normal spot on the bed.  I was uncomfortable as I was surrounded by dogs.  They all positioned themselves so that I was wedged.  Steve's garbage truck breath was blowing in my face all night.  Kipper kept walking over my head, dragging his dong across me.  Of course, every time he did it, I would yell and Steve would snort and blow snot all over me.  The snorting would scare Kipper and he would turn around and walk across me again, dragging his wiener along.  It was a vicious cycle.

Before bed, Steve stole a half stick of butter off the counter and ate it, wrapper and all.  Then he knocked a pan of garlic bread off the stove and ate three pieces.  So, he farted all night long.  He gave me a dutch oven at one point when he was under the blanket with me.  I was covering my head to protect my face from Kipper's dick of death.

I think I will clean out my office and give the boys their own room.  Maybe then I can get some real sleep.

 

~Nancy Drew

Google and my retarded dogs

I think that my googling is out of hand.  I mean, really.  During a Skype conversation last night, I looked up my computer's history to see the things I've googled in the past week.  It was shocking to me.  Google is no longer a website or a place, it's a noun.  For me, it's an addiction.  Just to give a sample of my history from the past 7 days, here are a few things I have googled:

• est ce que tu lyrics
• Gilbert Gottfried's real voice
• How to check for bed bugs
• Was Jackie on Roseanne gay?
• how to get your book published
• Can you buy sperm online?
• Should I start therapy?
• heroin
• Why should I write a book?
• What shouldn't I tell my therapist?
• developmental psychology springfield, mo
• books that sell
• colors lyrics
• Who the hell just called me?
• hominy
• How much retirement should I have by age 30?
• Can you freeze fresh spinach?
• egg flower soup
• Is my dog retarded?
• Can therapists have you committed?
• hardcore pawn

Ok, ok.  I'm not going to list all of the searches but this should give any of my readers a good idea of how nutso I am.  Nutso or not, I did learn a great deal from Google this week.  Gilbert Gottfried's real voice is soooo damn creepy.  I'd rather hear that high-pitched,  fake, woman-in-distress squawk than his real voice anyday.  Yes, you can buy sperm online.  I'm not sure which is more disturbing, the fact that you can buy sperm online or that I was curious enough to Google it.  While I googled "Why should I write a book, " I found a very sad and depressing blog about why I SHOULDN'T write a book.  Great.  That's why I'm blogging right now instead of writing on my book... or googling.  Is my dog retarded?  I'm pretty sure that at least 2 of them are.

I'll explain...

Bert spent approximately 5 hours yesterday with duct tape wrapped around his ears.  He was just as happy as ever.  I woke up in the middle of the night and actually felt a twinge of guilt that I would tape my dog just to pull myself out of depression.  So, I snuggled Bert up close to me and kissed him on the head, slowly removed the duct tape, and then proceeded to announce to him that he's a dumbass.  He yawned, circled three or four times, and went back to sleep.  Cute...but dumb.  Bert is also my boy who has an extreme fascination with his own tail.  He chases it.  I mean, chases it like if he doesn't succeed in catching it, the world will end.  He stops at nothing to retrieve that blasted tail.  Smacking into walls, Steve's legs, nor furniture will stop him.  When I see him twirling after his heiny, I swear I can hear him saying, "I'm gonna getcha, I'm gonna getcha, I'm gonna getcha!"


Then, there is Scuba Steve.  Now, I'm not sure if Steve is mentally challenged or if he is just extremely clumsy.  Today, I watched him do a very impressive spin on my freshly mopped living room floor.  Trying to catch up with Bert, he appeared to attempt a triple lutz without success.  I watched in horror as I saw my big man's legs fly up and in slow motion, he landed face first onto the hardwood.  Had he really been ice skating, I'm sure the cold would have felt much better than the wet hardwood.  Bless him.  Within a second of his face plant, he jumped to his feet and snorted like a bull.  Of course, I grabbed him and looked him over to make sure he was okay.  That was a serious fall that scared me as much as it scared him.  Steve was fine... and so was my hardwood.  Yes, he hit so hard, I checked for a crack in the floor too.

Google is an invaluable tool to me.  I'm not sure that I consider my retarded dogs 'tools,' but they are definitely invaluable too.  They fill a void for me and make me feel not so alone.  Google gives me the answers, but my retarded dogs give me the love that I need.  They satisfy my need for human interaction and allow me to feel somewhat normal.  Retarded or not, I love them.

~Nancy Drew

Bert, the good sport

Not all of my boys have learned to stay away from Mommy during her days of depression.  Sometimes the only thing that can cheer me up is a little bit of duct tape.  I'm sure Bert will learn soon.  He wasn't very happy during the first picture, but I am thankful he was there to assist in putting a smile on my face.

~Nancy Drew

Gardens & Destruction

Steve and I had our picture taken by the Grant Beach Community Garden sign a few days ago.  They said they would email the pictures to me.  I got one picture but it wasn't the good one!  But... I thought I would share it anyway.  Don't judge.  I was sweaty from running and my hair was a mess.

I came home from work to find my couches moved, my bathroom rugs relocated to the living room, and a dvd case shredded on top of the couch.  (Couch cushins were removed last night before bed to prevent further destruction.)

This was after I moved the couch back into place.  The loveseat is still out away from the wall.

This was once the DVD case that held "PS I Love You". Dammit.

~Nancy Drew



Escape

I watched the neighbor's little girl coax Bert to the fence and then bend the metal to allow enough room for him to squeeze through.  I was pissed.  I watched her do it!  So, I got to go outside in my pajamas to get Bert.  I told the girls to stop playing with the dogs through the fence and maybe he would stay inside the yard.  But the kids are young and I'm sure they'll keep doing it.  But for now, I cannot trust my dogs outside alone.  It's like I don't have a fence at all.  Shit.

~Nancy Drew

More damn noodles!



Bert and I had a great day in town.  He got a shot at the vet but was very well mannered.  After we got home, we decided to go for a walk.  I took Kipper out first.  We walked around the block and through part of the park.  Kipper peed every 3 steps but seemed to have a good time in the sunshine.  Then I took Steve.  He practically pulled me down the street.  We met up with some people putting up a sign for our community garden.  They took a picture of me and Steve next to the sign.  It's going to be pretty cool having a community garden.  I'm going to try to volunteer and become more active with my neighborhood association.  I gave them my email address and they say they will email the pic to me.  If it's not too bad of a picture after I get it, I'll post it.  After Steve and I finished our lap around the block, I took Trevor and Bert out at the same time.  They are the same size so it's easy to walk them together.  Trevor and Steve pooped.  I remembered the baggies! :)

 



While Steve and I were walking, Bert found another package of ramen noodes and decided to open them on the couch.  Thanks, boy.

He is so proud of that little mess.

Trevor was sure to hoard his part of the new package of noodles.

Bert and Steve playing with a rabbit on the deck. (a toy.  not a real rabbit.)

Trevor on the deck after his walk.

Steve cuddling with the rabbit.

Steve looks so happy! 

Bert was chillin on the deck after his walk. :)

Kipper brought the rabbit to me but Steve grabbed it before I could throw it.

Steve and Bert fighting for the rabbit again.

Lunch!  Did you know that celery is actually yummy if you peel it?!

~Nancy Drew



Trevor and the ramen noodles

Last night, I was so sleepy that I forgot to post the pictures I took after I got home from work.  All of the pictures are blurry because Trevor wouldn't stop squirming.  I came into the house expecting a huge mess.  It wasn't so bad.  Bert shredded his head band into tiny little slivers of white plastic.  And Trevor was sitting with a package of ramen noodles on the couch.  I'm not sure who got them out of the cabinet...but Trevor is hoarding them.  Even as I type right now, Trevor is downstairs sleeping next to those damn noodles.  He hoards food!  Anyone want a list of foods I have found behind the tv, in my bed, in the couch and so on?  Great...  chicken nuggets, biscuits, honeybuns, cookies, hot dogs, pork chops, dog biscuits, crackers, moon pies, cheese, and now ramen noodles.  I'm sure there are other foods I have found, but after three years of being with my Trevor, these are all I can remember right now.

~Nancy Drew

Great dane poop and WINNING!

Scuba Steve took me for a walk around the neighborhood today.  It was such a beautiful day and we spent much of it outside.  I'm glad I remembered to bring a plastic baggie with me today.  I seem to always forget one on the days that Steve wants to dump his load.  That's just too much poop to leave it.  You gotta pick up the poop! Today, he pooped on the north side of Grant Beach Park, right in front of a bunch of toddler kiddies. I should make him wear a diaper.

It always amuses me when people talk to Steve.  Usually, they say things like, 'are you walking that dog or is he walking you?' and 'why don't you just put a saddle on that dog and ride him around?'. That's what I get for owning a horse-dog.  It makes me smile knowing that most everyone always tells me how pretty he is.  Great danes are a mess...but I just don't want to be without mine.

After our walk, I sat at my computer to write a bit more on my book.  I'm so excited about how things are playing out.  I think it'll be a good story and I'll cry my eyes out if I ever finish it.  While I was writing away, my phone lit up with a twitter post that Brett the Intern was doing a live show.  I stopped writing to join in.  He was doing some giveaways to promote the digi tour.  I wish I could go but the tour doesn't stop anywhere near here.  I'm excited to say that I won some digi tour stickers. :)  I don't think I've been this excited about stickers since I was 4 years old.  haha Winning!

~Nancy Drew

Drinks, diet plans, and road trips

This is a snapshot of my St. Patrick's Day celebration.  This may be my favorite holiday.

After eating a huge meal at TGIFriday's and drinking more than I should at the bar last night, one would think that I would limit my calorie intake today.  Nope.  I drank a pot of coffee and ate a leftover pizza slice for breakfast.  Then I made a pot of potato soup (which was amazing) for lunch.  I ate the soup for lunch and dinner, followed by a nice big helping of guilt.  I started asking myself why do I put myself through this?  Why can't I control my eating (and drinking) habits?  Why am I basically a whale?  Well, the truth is, I don't know.  But, I'm going to try to fix it.  I spoke with Matthew today and he reminded me that our 10 year high school reunion is next spring.  So, I have a year to change this body.  I mean, this isn't me.  This is a shell.  I want my outside to match my inside.  That sounds gross, but I mean that my soul is so much more beautiful than my big ass (even though that's a VERY beautiful, big ass).  I have spent the past 2 hours or so researching weight loss tips, diet recipes, and watching "Ruby" on Netflix to start my motivation.  I'm ashamed to say this, but after making my plan to start a new life, I decided to have one last guilt trip to kind of 'get it out of my system'.  So, off to McDonald's we went.  Yes, all 5 of us loaded up in the truck.  I was only going to take Steve but as I put his leash on, Bert started to whimper and said, "Mom! I want to go too!"... I said, "Fine."  Then Kipper said, "Mom!  If Bert gets to go, I want to go!"  I said, "Oh no.. I can't take you too."  Trevor said, "Oh come on, Mom!  Let's all go!"  I said, "Are you nuts?!"  Then began the sad faces and whimpers from my two oldest boys.  "Oh my lord. Fine, let's all go."  I got them all leashed up and they practically dragged me out the front door and down the street.  We got in the truck and off we went to McDonald's for our last indulgence.  I ordered 4 plain cheeseburgers and a reese's mcflurry.  The cheeseburgers were divided for my kids.  1/2 for Kipper, 1/2 for Trevor, 1/2 for Bert and 2 1/2 for Steve.  To my delight, nobody got hurt and we all enjoyed our treats.  But this is it.  Time to make a change.  I know fat people say that line all too often and follow it with failure and regret.  I've said it many times, myself.  But I'm ready.  I'm going to do it.  And you are going to get to read about it. Wish me luck. :)

~Nancy Drew

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day?  Yeah, whatever.  After spending the entire day cleaning house in my pajamas, the last thing I expected was to hear my doorbell ring...twice in a row.  My doorbell rings all the time but nobody visits.  I don't know what's wrong with the silly thing, so I never check the door if the doorbell rings once.  So when my doorbell rang twice in a row, I checked and sure enough, I had a visitor.  Great.  It's late afternoon and I'm in my jammies and I'm sweaty and stinky from cleaning house.  It was my neighbor.  She had Scuba Steve with her.  Wow, I wondered where he was but I figured he was upstairs asleep.  The little bastard jumped the fence!  He jumped the fence into my neighbor's yard and started playing with the two little girls.  I guess it is officially time for me to start the process of finding someone to put up my privacy fence.  I don't even know where to start.

~Nancy Drew

Stupid AT&T and my motorboating dog

I'm not entirely sure if I should call AT&T stupid or if that insult should be directed toward myself for having their service.  When I signed up for internet service in September of last year, I had a promotion for $19.95 per month for 12 months.  My first bill had the full price of $40.  Fine.  I called AT&T to make sure I was under the promotional contract.  The representative for AT&T explained that the first two bills would be at full price, then the $19.95 price plus credits from my first two statements would be applied. My fifth payment is due this month and I'm still paying $40 and have not received any credits.  I have called multiple times asking when I am getting my credits and when I can stop paying $40 each month.  Today, after being transferred four times, I was told that they have resolved the issue and the promotion and credits will be applied within the next two statements.  Really?  So, again I have to pay $40?  It's not a huge deal since it's only $40 and that won't break the bank, but that's not what I was offered when I signed up.  After speaking with the fifth customer service rep today, I was informed that I still have to pay the $40 each month until the invoice indicates otherwise.  Their customer service is a joke.  When they advertise a promotion of half price internet service for 12 months, what they really means is that you will pay full price for at least 7 months before seeing any savings.  The only positive thing I can say is that the actual internet service itself is really good.  I have yet to have any problems staying connected to the internet... knock on wood.  I just can't WAIT to see my next two statements.

Now.. on to my motorboating dog, Scuba Steve.  If anyone reading this is unaware of the definition of 'motorboating,' please allow urbandictionary.com to explain.  According to www.urbandictionary.com, motorboating is defined as:  "The placement of one's face, specifically the mouth, into the area between a well-endowed woman's breasts, followed by a rapid shaking of the face in a side-to-side motion accompanied by yelling. The resulting sound that is created sounds similar to an outboard boat motor."  My great dane does this.  He doesn't yell exactly, but he does in fact grunt and snort.  I think that's close enough.  He does this all the time.  He does this not only to me, but also women he meets in the pet store, vet office, or walking on the street.  The first time I was embarrassed by him, he motorboated the vet nurse who always takes care of us when any of my boys visit.  This vet nurse in particular is the one I've had a crush on for almost 3 years.  Apparently, Scuba Steve likes her goodies too.


This morning, for the second morning in a row, I woke up to Steve falling off the bed.  We have a king size bed but he has been insisting on sleeping on my right side.  I sleep on the right side of the bed.  So, today I realized that he has been inching his way to taking over MY SIDE of the bed.  I know he's spoiled... but this is nuts!  I just can't help but love him.

Here are a few pics of Scuba Steve having Bert as a snack.  He might have even motorboated him a couple times too.

~Nancy Drew



Now, THIS is a vacation!

Bert looking out the office window.

Bert is excited after I asked if he wanted to go outside to play.

Bert and Steve were playing so well.  They look mean but they love each other.

Bert was biting Steve's lips. lol

Bert right before he runs and pounces on Steve.

HAHA this picture cracks me up.. Kipper is hiding in the hallway.  He seemed so concerned that Steve and Bert were rolling around playing.

Steve has his arms around Bert and is nibbling him under the arms. :) So cute!

Bert really doesn't understand personal space.. poor Scuba Steve!





We have had such a fun day today!  If it wasn't so rainy outside, we would have spent more time playing in the backyard.  But we have played inside, cleaned, napped, cuddled, and had pizza.  We haven't had any fights, aggression, or even messes. :)  Even the birds have enjoyed the day!  I filled their bath for them and let them fly around the office.  I just don't want this day to end.

~Nancy Drew