Just keeps getting better...

I begged for someone to wow me and they certainly did.  I've had a really bad feeling in my gut for weeks and for good reason.  Where do I go from here?  I wish I could disappear.  I've said that before without real meaning.  I've never meant it more than right now.  Never before have I ever felt more unloved, unappreciated, unwanted, and alone.  


We all know that life is unfair....but how long do people feel this way?  When do I get my moment that I've been waiting for?


I think I'm a good person.  I really do.  I will give up what I have to help someone who needs it.  I always try to think ahead to make things easier on the people who are around me.  And yet, I am a bitch.  If I am a bitch for being upset over the things that upset me, then so be it.  Hi, I'm Nancy Drew and I'm a bitch.  Did that wow you?


~Nancy Drew

Incredible Moments

Whatever happened to those incredible moments that just take your breath away?  Those times when everything is going your way and you feel happy and complete?  I've felt that before.  What happened to them?  I used to have joy.  Now, I simply feel content.  And sometimes, not even that.  Lately it has been that the best thing to happen during my day is when I get a hug from one of the ladies at work.  Just a simple hug.  That brightens my day a bit, but even then I am not wowed.  I want that WOW again.  I want excitement instead of anxiety.  I am tired.  I am tired of not sleeping and tired of worrying about whether or not my dogs will have food next week or whether or not my utilities will be shut off again.  I want something big to happen.  Something good.  Somebody, PLEASE.... wow me.


~Nancy Drew

New Job

I started a new job today.  It was a lot of fun and I'm sure I will enjoy it for a while.  I also got a haircut.  I kinda wish I hadn't got it cut but what can I do now?  It won't take long for it to grow out again.  


I'm on the verge of losing everything I have.  I'm behind on every bill.  I'll be out of power in a few days and I'm probably going to lose my house.  I'm busting my ass to save what I have but I feel like I'm digging the hole a little bit deeper every day.


I've fought depression for months.  I'm losing the battle.  I've tried to stay positive and not let anyone know how sad and afraid I have been.  I guess I should try harder.  I can't keep lying to everyone about how I'm doing.  


When does this all get better?  Someone please tell me.


~Nancy Drew

Lonely

I miss this beautiful woman.

~Nancy Drew

Decisions

Every decision I make, I feel like it's the wrong one.  I never know when to follow my heart or what.  I used to make good decisions but now, I don't.  I used to be able to decide things and not worry that I've made the wrong choice.  What ever happened to no regrets?  I know that what is done is done but I can't help but wonder if I should have taken a different path.  Maybe I should have listened to my brain instead of my heart.  Maybe I shouldn't want things so bad.  Maybe I should stop being so selfish and spoiled.  I've worked for what I have and I have no intention of losing it but I think I just made a huge mistake.


~Nancy Drew

WORK!

I am trying so hard to find a job!  I don't want to stress about money anymore.  I want a job that I don't dread going to every day.  I want a job that pays actual money instead of peanuts.  It's going to be difficult once I find something because we only have one vehicle right now.  I'm glad I didn't buy a new car in February like I had planned but I wish we had two cars right now.  Job hunting would be so much easier if Brittanney and I each had our own cars.


~Nancy Drew

It's a home, not just a house.

I absolutely love my house.  Brittanney and I are making many changes and I am excited about it.  Since our bedroom was so big, we moved into one of the guest rooms and we've changed our bedroom into our living room.  Our old living room will be our new sitting room.  It's going to make such a huge difference in our lives.  Isn't it amazing how such small decisions can change everything?

~Nancy Drew

Luck

When is my luck going to change?  I love the Missouri Lottery Bingo scratcher tickets.  I want to play all the time but I never win anything.  I want to catch a break and get some extra money just for playing games.  I mean, who wouldn't want that?  I know it's unrealistic, but I can dream, right?  

You just wait.  One day, I'll hit it big.  Just wait.

~Nancy Drew

Did ya miss me?

Holy balls... It's been a long time since I've been able to blog.  I've missed it.  Not that anyone reads this crap.... but I still enjoy it.  I have been without internet for a couple months and just got it back.  (Julia, if you read this, I have a letter in the mail to you!)  It's been a tough few months but things are getting better.  I've probably lost a lot of friends this summer, but what can ya do?


I've been writing a lot more lately.  I'm not happy with the quality of my writing, but it's a good start.  It's a great stress reliever too.  But..it's just more crap that I dish out that nobody wants to taste.  Whatever.  I like it.


My smokin hot wife is sleeping and the sound of her quiet snoring is soothing to me this morning.  I know she isn't feeling well and I wish there was something I could do to comfort her.  Our family keeps growing.  I'm not sure why we feel the need to take in any little homeless animal.  They are smelly and whiney and they are without manners, but we love them.  I'm afraid we will be on Animal Hoarders soon.


More later.


~Nancy Drew

Praying

I wish I was in Idaho right now.  I don't know how I could help while being there other than to lend a shoulder to cry on, a face to punch, or to give a hug.  I wish I knew the right things to say to ease someone's pain.  I wish there was something I could do to alleviate even the smallest amount of grief that someone is feeling.  I'm praying for wisdom.  I'm praying for Greg.  

If anyone is reading this, please pray for Greg too.  Bless him.  He needs it.

~Nancy Drew

Coupons!

My new obsession is coupons.  I know I'll never be as good as those on Extreme Couponing, but I'm trying.  I have been writing letters to companies complimenting their products and most are sending back awesome coupons.  Many of them are sending coupons for free stuff.  Dannon and Coffee-Mate have sent the best coupons so far.  Michelina's sent me coupons for 2 free entrees up to $2.50 value each.  That was awesome.  If I am going to be the housewife of the family, I am going to at least work to save us a few dollars on food.  Especially since we are on starvation right now.  Top Ramen is saving our asses.  But thanks to my letter writing and couponing efforts, now we can live like queens off of coffee creamer and yogurt.

~Nancy Drew

Yay New York!

I am so happy and excited!  New York legalized same-sex marriage.  That's just one step closer and I cannot wait until more states follow suit.  I hate the fact that once Brittanney and I are married, Missouri won't even recognize it.  How can it be illegal to be married to someone you love?!  Who cares if we both have vaginas?!  We make better sexy time than if one of us had a penis.

Congratulations, New York!

Yay for gay!  I love rainbows!

~Nancy Drew

Steve loves Brittanney

Steve missed Brittanney so much that decided to be her lap dog.  I'll have to admit, I got a little jealous.  But it was very sweet watching Steve get up on Brittanney's lap while she was relaxing in the recliner after work.  I know he would miss her if she was gone for more than a day... and so would I.

~Nancy Drew

Yum?

McNugget is growing like a little weed.  This was about a week or so ago and he already looks twice as big.  His feathers are coming in and he's getting a nice little attitude... just like Mommy. :)

~Nancy Drew

My work friends

I feel bad that I didn't get to say goodbye to my work friends.  It's sad that I don't have as many friends now as I did a few months ago.  It turns out that I'm just as busy now as I was when I was working.  I'm rarely able to get online anymore so I can't even keep up to date with my friends who live in other states.  Boo.

~Nancy Drew

Hello, June

May kinda sucked ass and I'm sure June won't be too much better.  The anniversary of my parent's deaths are both this month and I dread both days.  I'm hoping I won't be too much for Brittanney to handle this month.  

I officially quit my job, so that is one less thing to worry about.

McNugget is doing very well.  I'm not sure if it's male or female so for now, I'm calling him a male.  He is growing so fast and I can't wait to start hand-feeding him.  It's going to be a chore though.  He is chirping like crazy and McLovin and Lucy are being very good parents. :)  I'm so happy to be a granny.

~Nancy Drew

McNugget

McLovin and Lucy's egg finally hatched.  It's still alive and they are being great parents.  I've named it McNugget.  I would take pictures but the parents are guarding the nest so well I can't get to it.  I'll be hand-feeding it in about a week.  I'm so excited that we have a baby.  Finally, I'm a granny!

~Nancy Drew

Maxie, Frankie, and Patty

 

~Nancy Drew

Adorable late night zoo party

Brittanney and I couldn't sleep one night so we made a video of us playing with the kittens. The dogs were so wound up and playful. Trevor is the only one who didn't play with us. He hates the cats.... because they try to nurse on him. :)

~Nancy Drew

It's Official!

~Nancy Drew

I'm feeling stupid today.

I feel really dumb.  I got in the shower and started to shampoo my hair... I just thought I didn't get enough because it wasn't lathering.  So, I added more.  Still, nothing.  WTF?  Oh... it was conditioner.  

Then... when I really did put shampoo on, it just slid off because of my freshly conditioned hair... Great night, people.  Great night.

Oh... Brittanney and I adopted three cutie patootie kittens today.  Maxie, Pat, and Frankie. :)  Pics to be posted soon. 

~Nancy Drew

Blah, stress. I hate you

I've been so stressed out lately that now I feel sick.  My head is swimming and I can barely hold my eyes open.  It doesn't help that it's raining.  It makes me want to nap even more.  I'm going to try my best to stay away so that I can just go to bed early tonight. 

I sneezed so hard this morning that I blew snot out my nose and smacked me in the chin.  Time for some allergy medicine?

~Nancy Drew

Hate

I hate holidays.  I hate screaming.  I hate mucus.  I hate liars.  I hate body odor.  I hate being lonely.  I hate crying.  I hate headaches.  I hate fighting.  I hate meeting people.  I hate bright lights when I'm trying to sleep.  I hate the price of fuel.  I hate vinegar.  I hate that my mail was wet yesterday.  I hate that I'm not a good friend to most people.  I hate ants.  I hate dirty floors.  I hate that my dogs piss on my stairs.  I hate that I don't have a door to my downstairs bathroom.  I hate blowing snot bubbles.

~Nancy Drew

Sometimes

Sometimes I have no words.  Sometimes I make stupid decisions.  Sometimes I make smart decisions.  Sometimes I have money.  Sometimes I have energy.  Sometimes I have nightmares.  Sometimes I feel love.  Sometimes I hate people.  Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I sleep.  Sometimes I sneeze.  Sometimes I crave affection.  Sometimes I laugh.  Sometimes I ramble.  Sometimes I forget for a split second just how lonely I really am. 

~Nancy Drew

My Lucy Goosey

I've missed blogging for the past couple days.  Between my nightmares and Lucy getting hurt, I just haven't made time.  

McLovin was picking on Lucy after the first egg.  After the second egg, he basically mauled her.  They are in separate cages and Lucy is bleeding everywhere.  Her foot is covered in blood and is swollen.  She keeps shaking it like it's hurting.  I know it is, but I don't know how to help her.  It's not like the pet store sells cockatiel tylenol.  It's been a couple days and I'm sure it will take some time for her to heal.  I'm hoping that she survives.

My hopes for having baby cockatiels are out the window.  No babies since one parent is hurt and one is away from the eggs. 

~Nancy Drew

Alarms

I had HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE dreams last night.  I woke up afraid to go back to sleep.  I'm really sick of these dreams.  I wish I had a switch to stop myself from dreaming at all.

I had a security system installed in my house today.  I'm quite happy about it.  Maybe I'll sleep better at night.  It cracked me up when the dudes came to my door and asked if I have an alarm system.  I said that I have a Steve.  They asked to see him so I pulled Steve out the front door.  The men seemed to jump back quite a bit.  Just try to break into my house, bitches.

Bonus for the week:  I dropped another pants size.  WINNING!

And just because she's cute... here is a pic of Brittanney with Steve.

~Nancy Drew

I made a Gay Discovery

Today I had an incredible discovery.  Incredible, yes.... but only because I knew it all along.

Brittanney and I had a talk this evening and I started to cry.  Everything fell into place and I got slapped with the realization that I've never really been straight or bisexual.  I've always been gay and I've been lying to myself for years.  All of the relationships that I've had in the past felt like there was something missing.  That wasn't only because I was with the wrong person for me, it was because I was with a male.  

I remember being attracted to women at a young age and having a t.v. crush on a girl while I was in high school.  The last two relationships I've had with men were lies.  Yes, they made me happy because we were friends, but something was definitely missing.  I tried talking to Neil about this several months before we broke up.  In the end, I decided that I wanted to date a girl more than I wanted to be with Neil so, I broke up with him.  I miss him because he was my best friend and an amazing person, but I know I made the right decision.  I would never be completely in love if I had stayed.  It wasn't fair to him and it wasn't fair to me.   

So, here I am.  Gay, Lesbian, Non-breeder, and honest.  I'm finally honest with myself.  Look out, ladies.  No homo.

Yay for gay.  I love rainbows.

~Nancy Drew

Babies!

I am just thrilled! 

I know that I've bitched and complained on my blog for quite a while but most people who see me in person wouldn't real know that I've been depressed.  I act like things are okay.  But today, I will not complain on my blog...because we have an egg!

Lucy squirted out an egg and right now, McLovin is sitting on it.  I cannot wait to see if it develops or if Lucy lays more eggs.  Our little cockatiel factory is working overtime.  They have been having some serious bird sexy time and it looks like it's paying off.

I walked into the office because I thought the dogs were pestering the birds.  I looked in the cage and I could only see Lucy.  I looked into the nesting box and couldn't see McLovin, so I went into mini-panic and opened the cage and started to pull the box closer so I could open the top to look inside.  The instant my hand touched the box, McLovin popped his head out the door of the box and hissed and snapped at me.  I've never been happier to have a damn bird try to eat my ass.

Anyone want to take bets on how many eggs she will lay?  I bet 4.

~Nancy Drew

Julia/Dance/Zumba

Julia is at it again... This time she added in a tad bit of Zumba dance... She needs to broadcast this shit on ustream.  I would die happy if I could watch this everyday... or at least die from laughing.  

Click here to read Julia's blog

I love that girl.

~Nancy Drew