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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Fish tacos, a dead bird, and crying

I fear that therapy was a bad decision.  I woke up this morning in tears.  My recurring nightmare revisited me last night.  I haven’t had the dream in several weeks but this time it came back with ominous music and if I remember correctly, a water buffalo jumped out and head-butted me, then ate Steve.  The dream comes to me when I’m stressed or overly emotional, which I’ve been this week.  So, I boo-hooed all morning.  Then, I sat at my computer, shaking like I had parkinson’s, and googled things.  Nothing in particular.. just googled. 

This afternoon, I decided to take Steve to get a fish sandwich.  We road tripped to Long John Silver’s and ordered a crab cake, a fish sandwich, and a fish taco.  The fish sandwich was gross.  I’m not sure I’ve ever said that about a fish sandwich before.  Normally, I view fish sandwiches like they are orgasms on bread made of rainbows, but this one was like poop on cardboard.  The fish taco, however, was awesome.  Fish taco sounds like an extremely disgusting name for a very dirty vagina, but the actual food was good. 

I found a dead bird in my back yard.  It looked as bad as I feel.  This mood scares me.  People ask me if I’m okay and I smile and nod.  My smile is fake and I pretend to be happy just to prevent further questioning.  Part of me wanted to lay down next to that bird and never get up.  But, it was cold so I went back inside, carrying Bert under my arm like a sack of potatoes.  Instead of cuddling with the dead bird, I plopped down on the floor of my office and put my head on Steve’s feet.  I slept there for about an hour.  I woke up with my neck hurting, drool running down my face, and I was surrounded by dogs.  That was the highlight of my day.  Sad, I know. 
~Nancy Drew

Nancy looks like...

My addiction to Google is taking over my life.  I need an intervention.  I've been playing the 'looks like' game on Google and I can't stop laughing.  I should be getting ready for bed, but instead, I'm staying awake so that I can ensure that I am a living-zombie tomorrow at work and my boss will ask if I'm on drugs because I'll be drooling and mumbling and I'll have to explain that I have a Google addiction and she'll ask, 'oh, what's that?' and I'll tell her to Google it.

So... here it is... According to
  • Nancy looks like a dazed Nixon daughter trapped in a Haight Street Summer of Love Love-In.
  • Nancy R looks like a pro.
  • Nancy Pelosi totally looks like E.T.
  • Nancy looks like she was molded from plastic, but she doesn't act like it.
  • Nancy looks like the guilty photographer picture published by herbrice.
  • Nancy McKeon totally looks like Val Kilmer.
  • Nancy looks like the energizer bunny back.
  • Nancy looks like a sexy tiger. :() rawr
  • Nancy looks like she's been frozen in time.
  • Nancy Pelosi looks like she's been holding in a fart.
So.. that is that.  I'm glad I'm not Nancy Pelosi.  According to Google, that bitch looks like an alien with gas.  Oh lawdy! 

Nancy might possibly look like this...

Or like this.

~Nancy Drew

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

OMG I almost died

As I sat at my computer desk, googling, I felt something soft and squishy push against my left shoulder.  Normally, soft and squishy things do not cause me to internally panic, but this time, since I was in my element and concentrating on Google, I nearly peed my pants and jumped out of my skin.  I turned, expecting  to see a giant fluffy, murderous teddy bear monster  with huge teeth, dripping with blood, waiting to make a snack out of me.  Wrong.  It was just Scuba Steve, my great dane.  He was standing there with a toy hedgehog in his mouth,  bobbing his head like a chicken, pushing the toy onto my shoulder.  Sometimes, I swear these dogs will be the death of me.  I asked him, "Steve, what do you want?"  He snorted and pranced around like a retard, violently shaking the hedgehog.  Moments like these, when my heart is pounding out of my chest from fear of being eaten, and feeling so much love for a retarded, giant horse-dog, I honestly feel happy.

~Nancy Drew


I'm so hungry today.  I want nothing but coffee, fish sandwiches, and ice cream.  But... it's too late in the day to start drinking coffee and I don't have any fish nor ice cream.  So, I'm settling for a delicious organic rice and bean burrito and a glass of grape kool-aid... ( I just realized that I HATE kool aid...I should've had my water plain.)

Anyway, this is a picture of me if I had some ice cream... and if I didn't have feet... and if I could fly.

~Nancy Drew

More wine....

More wine.....

~Nancy Drew

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A bottle of wine when I should be sleeping

This is what it looks like when I drink a bottle of wine the when I should be sleeping.  I create stupid shit on paint.  F word. This proves I need therapy.

~Nancy Drew

Google and my retarded dogs

I think that my googling is out of hand.  I mean, really.  During a Skype conversation last night, I looked up my computer's history to see the things I've googled in the past week.  It was shocking to me.  Google is no longer a website or a place, it's a noun.  For me, it's an addiction.  Just to give a sample of my history from the past 7 days, here are a few things I have googled:

  • est ce que tu lyrics
  • Gilbert Gottfried's real voice
  • How to check for bed bugs
  • Was Jackie on Roseanne gay?
  • how to get your book published
  • Can you buy sperm online?
  • Should I start therapy?
  • heroin
  • Why should I write a book?
  • What shouldn't I tell my therapist?
  • developmental psychology springfield, mo
  • books that sell
  • colors lyrics
  • Who the hell just called me?
  • hominy
  • How much retirement should I have by age 30?
  • Can you freeze fresh spinach?
  • egg flower soup
  • Is my dog retarded?
  • Can therapists have you committed?
  • hardcore pawn
Ok, ok.  I'm not going to list all of the searches but this should give any of my readers a good idea of how nutso I am.  Nutso or not, I did learn a great deal from Google this week.  Gilbert Gottfried's real voice is soooo damn creepy.  I'd rather hear that high-pitched,  fake, woman-in-distress squawk than his real voice anyday.  Yes, you can buy sperm online.  I'm not sure which is more disturbing, the fact that you can buy sperm online or that I was curious enough to Google it.  While I googled "Why should I write a book, " I found a very sad and depressing blog about why I SHOULDN'T write a book.  Great.  That's why I'm blogging right now instead of writing on my book... or googling.  Is my dog retarded?  I'm pretty sure that at least 2 of them are.

I'll explain...

Bert spent approximately 5 hours yesterday with duct tape wrapped around his ears.  He was just as happy as ever.  I woke up in the middle of the night and actually felt a twinge of guilt that I would tape my dog just to pull myself out of depression.  So, I snuggled Bert up close to me and kissed him on the head, slowly removed the duct tape, and then proceeded to announce to him that he's a dumbass.  He yawned, circled three or four times, and went back to sleep.  Cute...but dumb.  Bert is also my boy who has an extreme fascination with his own tail.  He chases it.  I mean, chases it like if he doesn't succeed in catching it, the world will end.  He stops at nothing to retrieve that blasted tail.  Smacking into walls, Steve's legs, nor furniture will stop him.  When I see him twirling after his heiny, I swear I can hear him saying, "I'm gonna getcha, I'm gonna getcha, I'm gonna getcha!"

Then, there is Scuba Steve.  Now, I'm not sure if Steve is mentally challenged or if he is just extremely clumsy.  Today, I watched him do a very impressive spin on my freshly mopped living room floor.  Trying to catch up with Bert, he appeared to attempt a triple lutz without success.  I watched in horror as I saw my big man's legs fly up and in slow motion, he landed face first onto the hardwood.  Had he really been ice skating, I'm sure the cold would have felt much better than the wet hardwood.  Bless him.  Within a second of his face plant, he jumped to his feet and snorted like a bull.  Of course, I grabbed him and looked him over to make sure he was okay.  That was a serious fall that scared me as much as it scared him.  Steve was fine... and so was my hardwood.  Yes, he hit so hard, I checked for a crack in the floor too.

Google is an invaluable tool to me.  I'm not sure that I consider my retarded dogs 'tools,' but they are definitely invaluable too.  They fill a void for me and make me feel not so alone.  Google gives me the answers, but my retarded dogs give me the love that I need.  They satisfy my need for human interaction and allow me to feel somewhat normal.  Retarded or not, I love them.

~Nancy Drew

Monday, March 28, 2011

Bert, the good sport

Not all of my boys have learned to stay away from Mommy during her days of depression.  Sometimes the only thing that can cheer me up is a little bit of duct tape.  I'm sure Bert will learn soon.  He wasn't very happy during the first picture, but I am thankful he was there to assist in putting a smile on my face.

~Nancy Drew

Sunday, March 27, 2011


I got my digitour stickers in the mail yesterday.  I twitpic'd this to Brett the Intern right after the ustream show. 

~Nancy Drew

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Gardens & Destruction

Steve and I had our picture taken by the Grant Beach Community Garden sign a few days ago.  They said they would email the pictures to me.  I got one picture but it wasn't the good one!  But... I thought I would share it anyway.  Don't judge.  I was sweaty from running and my hair was a mess.

I came home from work to find my couches moved, my bathroom rugs relocated to the living room, and a dvd case shredded on top of the couch.  (Couch cushins were removed last night before bed to prevent further destruction.)

This was after I moved the couch back into place.  The loveseat is still out away from the wall.

This was once the DVD case that held "PS I Love You". Dammit.

~Nancy Drew

Friday, March 25, 2011

Diet gone wrong.

Breakfast: Nope
Lunch: Banana
Dinner: Wheaties

Breakfast: Nope
Lunch: Carrot Cake Muffin
Dinner: Wheaties

What the eff word is wrong with me?

~Nancy Drew

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Fat girls should not run

Yesterday, I ran for a whopping 20 seconds at best while out with Steve.  I didn't die, nobody laughed at me, nor did I get smacked by my own breast.  I stopped only because Steve turned and hooked me around a light pole.  Well apparently, fat girls just should not run.  My left leg feels like there is a crack in the bone. HAHA as funny as it is, I swear it's true.  I've limped around all day.  I'm not sore anywhere else at all.  Just my left leg.  Ok really, it isn't that bad.  But I still think that fat girls should only run in the dark, if at all.

~Nancy Drew


I watched the neighbor's little girl coax Bert to the fence and then bend the metal to allow enough room for him to squeeze through.  I was pissed.  I watched her do it!  So, I got to go outside in my pajamas to get Bert.  I told the girls to stop playing with the dogs through the fence and maybe he would stay inside the yard.  But the kids are young and I'm sure they'll keep doing it.  But for now, I cannot trust my dogs outside alone.  It's like I don't have a fence at all.  Shit.

~Nancy Drew

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Skype The Sequel

Uh oh! She's at it again!  Julia had to listen to "Low" again.  Did she forget that I take pics of funny things while on Skype? When will she learn? 

She starts off the song on her bed, waiving her arms and singing along.... but then.. she gets into it!

HAHA I love skype!

After her dance... She relaxed with C.J. :)

~Nancy Drew

More damn noodles!

Bert and I had a great day in town.  He got a shot at the vet but was very well mannered.  After we got home, we decided to go for a walk.  I took Kipper out first.  We walked around the block and through part of the park.  Kipper peed every 3 steps but seemed to have a good time in the sunshine.  Then I took Steve.  He practically pulled me down the street.  We met up with some people putting up a sign for our community garden.  They took a picture of me and Steve next to the sign.  It's going to be pretty cool having a community garden.  I'm going to try to volunteer and become more active with my neighborhood association.  I gave them my email address and they say they will email the pic to me.  If it's not too bad of a picture after I get it, I'll post it.  After Steve and I finished our lap around the block, I took Trevor and Bert out at the same time.  They are the same size so it's easy to walk them together.  Trevor and Steve pooped.  I remembered the baggies! :)


While Steve and I were walking, Bert found another package of ramen noodes and decided to open them on the couch.  Thanks, boy.

He is so proud of that little mess.

Trevor was sure to hoard his part of the new package of noodles.

Bert and Steve playing with a rabbit on the deck. (a toy.  not a real rabbit.)

Trevor on the deck after his walk.

Steve cuddling with the rabbit.

Steve looks so happy! 

Bert was chillin on the deck after his walk. :)

Kipper brought the rabbit to me but Steve grabbed it before I could throw it.

Steve and Bert fighting for the rabbit again.

Lunch!  Did you know that celery is actually yummy if you peel it?!

~Nancy Drew

Trevor and the ramen noodles

Last night, I was so sleepy that I forgot to post the pictures I took after I got home from work.  All of the pictures are blurry because Trevor wouldn't stop squirming.  I came into the house expecting a huge mess.  It wasn't so bad.  Bert shredded his head band into tiny little slivers of white plastic.  And Trevor was sitting with a package of ramen noodles on the couch.  I'm not sure who got them out of the cabinet...but Trevor is hoarding them.  Even as I type right now, Trevor is downstairs sleeping next to those damn noodles.  He hoards food!  Anyone want a list of foods I have found behind the tv, in my bed, in the couch and so on?  Great...  chicken nuggets, biscuits, honeybuns, cookies, hot dogs, pork chops, dog biscuits, crackers, moon pies, cheese, and now ramen noodles.  I'm sure there are other foods I have found, but after three years of being with my Trevor, these are all I can remember right now.

~Nancy Drew

Monday, March 21, 2011


Today was my first day back at work after my vacation.  I wrote a crap-ton at work today.  It was really nice and I can't wait to put everything together.  Something stressed me out today. I'm not sure what it was but it gave me a headache.  I can't get rid of it. 

I'm going to do a bit of writing and then head off to bed.  Early day tomorrow.  Bert has a vet appointment.  I hope I get to see the cutie there. 

~Nancy Drew

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Great dane poop and WINNING!

Scuba Steve took me for a walk around the neighborhood today.  It was such a beautiful day and we spent much of it outside.  I'm glad I remembered to bring a plastic baggie with me today.  I seem to always forget one on the days that Steve wants to dump his load.  That's just too much poop to leave it.  You gotta pick up the poop! Today, he pooped on the north side of Grant Beach Park, right in front of a bunch of toddler kiddies. I should make him wear a diaper.

It always amuses me when people talk to Steve.  Usually, they say things like, 'are you walking that dog or is he walking you?' and 'why don't you just put a saddle on that dog and ride him around?'. That's what I get for owning a horse-dog.  It makes me smile knowing that most everyone always tells me how pretty he is.  Great danes are a mess...but I just don't want to be without mine.

After our walk, I sat at my computer to write a bit more on my book.  I'm so excited about how things are playing out.  I think it'll be a good story and I'll cry my eyes out if I ever finish it.  While I was writing away, my phone lit up with a twitter post that Brett the Intern was doing a live show.  I stopped writing to join in.  He was doing some giveaways to promote the digi tour.  I wish I could go but the tour doesn't stop anywhere near here.  I'm excited to say that I won some digi tour stickers. :)  I don't think I've been this excited about stickers since I was 4 years old.  haha Winning!

~Nancy Drew

Saturday, March 19, 2011


After an incredible brainstorm while in the shower this evening, I filled in all the gaps of my story today.  I revamped and completed my storyline and I am simply thrilled.  I wish this had happened last week so I could've had more direction to write during my vacation.  Only one more day of vacation left to write and  I'm going to take advantage of it!

I want to tell someone about the storyline to see if it's believable but nobody is available to talk right now! GRAH!!!!!!

~Nancy Drew

Friday, March 18, 2011

Drinks, diet plans, and road trips

This is a snapshot of my St. Patrick's Day celebration.  This may be my favorite holiday.

After eating a huge meal at TGIFriday's and drinking more than I should at the bar last night, one would think that I would limit my calorie intake today.  Nope.  I drank a pot of coffee and ate a leftover pizza slice for breakfast.  Then I made a pot of potato soup (which was amazing) for lunch.  I ate the soup for lunch and dinner, followed by a nice big helping of guilt.  I started asking myself why do I put myself through this?  Why can't I control my eating (and drinking) habits?  Why am I basically a whale?  Well, the truth is, I don't know.  But, I'm going to try to fix it.  I spoke with Matthew today and he reminded me that our 10 year high school reunion is next spring.  So, I have a year to change this body.  I mean, this isn't me.  This is a shell.  I want my outside to match my inside.  That sounds gross, but I mean that my soul is so much more beautiful than my big ass (even though that's a VERY beautiful, big ass).  I have spent the past 2 hours or so researching weight loss tips, diet recipes, and watching "Ruby" on Netflix to start my motivation.  I'm ashamed to say this, but after making my plan to start a new life, I decided to have one last guilt trip to kind of 'get it out of my system'.  So, off to McDonald's we went.  Yes, all 5 of us loaded up in the truck.  I was only going to take Steve but as I put his leash on, Bert started to whimper and said, "Mom! I want to go too!"... I said, "Fine."  Then Kipper said, "Mom!  If Bert gets to go, I want to go!"  I said, "Oh no.. I can't take you too."  Trevor said, "Oh come on, Mom!  Let's all go!"  I said, "Are you nuts?!"  Then began the sad faces and whimpers from my two oldest boys.  "Oh my lord. Fine, let's all go."  I got them all leashed up and they practically dragged me out the front door and down the street.  We got in the truck and off we went to McDonald's for our last indulgence.  I ordered 4 plain cheeseburgers and a reese's mcflurry.  The cheeseburgers were divided for my kids.  1/2 for Kipper, 1/2 for Trevor, 1/2 for Bert and 2 1/2 for Steve.  To my delight, nobody got hurt and we all enjoyed our treats.  But this is it.  Time to make a change.  I know fat people say that line all too often and follow it with failure and regret.  I've said it many times, myself.  But I'm ready.  I'm going to do it.  And you are going to get to read about it. Wish me luck. :)

~Nancy Drew